Day 287

Good morning!  My name is Lauren and I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic/addict. When I was drinking, I was miserable.  Miserable about everything.  Nothing made me happy.  And it was everyone else's fault.  I wanted everything my way, and I wanted it now.  I thought everything made me miserable.  But in all actuality, I was making myself miserable.  No one else was.  And I was hurting so many others.    And as I'm sure you have heard,  Misery loves company. I was making everyone around me miserable.  I was hurting them.  Today, I feel terrible for what I have done, or not done. I will never be able to make up those first's that I missed.  You will see in the following poem, how I really felt.  I had put myself into the hole I dug, and I thought I should stay there.   I am enjoying every moment alive.  I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, only help.

Misery

I am comfortable in my "little world."
I've been stuck here so long
I don't know
if I can ever get out.
Or if I really want to.
I enjoy drinking every day.
Getting sick all the time.
Getting sick from drinking too much.
From not drinking.
I enjoy being hopeless.
For hating my job.
My boss.
My life.
I am comfortable
 in my misery.
I have caused it.
So I should suffer.
I enjoy missing
family functions.
Dinners.
Family reunions.
Cookouts.
Christmas'.
I can't be gone
long enough to not drink.
Or I will get sick.
Or someone will notice.
I enjoy only getting 1/2 a paycheeck,
because I missed work.
I have a headache.
My stomach hurts.
My throat hurts.
I lie. To you.
To everyone.
To myself.
I enjoy missing
important moments
in my children's lives.
Their first day of kindergarten.
First t-ball game.
First recital.
I enjoy blaming my husband for everything.
For what he didn't do right.
Or what he didn't do at all.
I enjoy losing the trust of my family.
Mom.
Dad.
Husband.
Children.
I enjoy this misery.
So here I shall stay.

So that's all for today!  have a great one!