Day 299

Good morning!  My name is Lauren and I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict.   One of the hardest things for me to do when I was getting sober, was feeling again.  I was hiding all my real feeling with my drinking.  I guess I still had feelings, like sad, depressed, and lonely, but wasn't really feeling them.  I was numbing them.  I would have rather felt nothing than anything, good or bad.  Sometimes paper was the only thing that would listen to me, or that I wanted to listen to me.  I would write, happy or sad.  Then it got to the point where I didn't even want to tell the paper anymore.  It was hard for me to put feeling into words so than anyone could understand.  But in sobriety I have learned to feel again, not that I really had a choice.  :)  But when they came, they all came at once.  Feelings I hadn't felt in a long time.  I was feeling regret, love, hope, sad, excited, nervous, ecstatic, overjoyed, and blessed. All at the same time.  As a friend of mine called it, the tornado effect.  It was hard to sort out my feelings.  I had hidden or masked them for so long.  The smile on my face was holding in the tears in my heart.  So I am glad to say that I am glad I feel again, good and bad.  The bad feelings make the good, better.  Here is a poem I wrote.  It may have been posted on here before. 

The Writing on the Wall


As she wrote them in her closet,
and on the walls of her bedroom.
The "acceptable" ones were available for all to see.
They were convincingly composed by a seemingly cheery individual.
While hidden in the closet was the truth.  
There she wrote the anguished, 
cynical thoughts and feelings of reality.
Others were blind to her true behavior.
Her anxious demeanor was buried in lies.
On the outside was a bright, easygoing soul.
A humorous, quirky character.
She knew not the blessings before her,
so kept holding on to the contradictive manor of her ways.
For many years she continued this.
When will the truth be told?
Or will it ever.

Have a great day!