Day 231

Hi, my name is Lauren and I'm an alcoholic/addict.  What a wonderful Monday morning to be alive and sober!  Well, where was I.  Oh, right.  So I'm getting ready to go to treatment.  I leave Illinois with the temp of 17 deg. and land in California with a temp of 84.  Wow what a difference.  So I get there, and detox for 10 days.  They said it was the worst detox they had seen.  Almost taken to the hospital.  So when I finally get coherent (or what I thought was coherent.  They aren't lying when they say your head won't be clear for even the first 30 days.) At first, I was just going to please everyone  I figured if I went to treatment, they would "heal" me and I would be able to "drink like others."  NOT TRUE.  I will never be able to drink again.  I will die.  I won't ever be able to "just have one drink." Cuz it wouldn't be just one drink, probably not even one bottle.  Once I started listening and learning about all the physical, emotional, and psychological damage, I really started paying attention.  I learned more about myself in those 45 days than I probably ever had.  I really started thinking about all the damage I had done, not only to my body, and my brain, but all those who I loved.  All those who loved me more than I could love myself.  I had to learn to love me.  I had to learn how to FEEL again.  Wow, was that hard.  Not really FEELING for years, brings a lot to the surface.  I had 15 different feelings, pulling me 15 different ways.  I was happy, and sad, and mad, and grateful, and sorry, and blessed ALL at the same time.  My head was spinning.  As my roommate there said, "it was the tornado effect." (Thanks Nina!)  And that was only the beginning.... Have a great nite!!! :)