Day 430

Good morning!  My name is Lauren and I'm a grateful, recovering alcoholic/addict.  When I was drinking/using, there were different stages of my fear.  In the beginning, I had no fear.  Before I was married, I lived a more risky life, using and selling.  I could do what I wanted, but I hid from everything, by drinking and using.  Was it that I had no fear or did I have no care?  I was living in a fantasy world, not thinking anything bad could ever happen to me.  I didn't think I would ever get caught.  Then friends started ODing and dying.  Boyfriends were going to prison for years. I should have been there too.  But I just kept on going.  I would not answer my phone iif it was a number I didn't know, because I knew it was a medical bill.  Today, I am paying back $1000's of dollars that I wish I would have at least made payments on then.  But that was one of the decisions I made then, and that is one the consequenses I am paying for now. I was living in fear all the time, I was hiding alcohol everywhere, hoping no one would find it.  Driving around drunk all the time, or at least have been drinking.  Always fearing someone would find out.  Fear was a daily reality.  And I should have a healthy fear now to face everything and rise instead of the previous alternative of forget everything and run.  I have learned the differences of the two.  So now I can put one foot in front of the other and not take a drink today.  I can do the next right thing today. That's all I got for today. Have a great one!